Dear Australia Person:

We have no idea what any of that means, although it appears you are using mostly English words.

We've either offended you, in which case we are sorry, or pleased you (by helping you measure your butter), in which case we are pleased. Since we can't tell, we'll just go around for the rest of the day with slightly satisfied but apologetic expressions on our faces. And, of course, if we have offended your queen in any way, we apologize most humbly.

The reference to Midsomer Murders is completely lost on us, although through the wonders of the Internet, we managed to find out that it is a long-running British television series that has been exported to Australia, New Zealand, Sweden, and perhaps other countries, but not, as far as we can tell, to the United States; that Detective Chief Inspector Tom Barnaby solves the disproportionate number of murders that take place in the small county of Midsomer, and that Detective Sergeant Gavin Troy and his remarkable backside left the series several years before you wrote us. To say that we are puzzled is an understatement.

In any event, thank you so much for taking the time to write. Clearly, knowing that there are top-of-the-class scholars out there who will insist on keeping us on our toes, we are going to have to bone up quite a bit on The Queen's English.